I’ve always known that I wanted to be a Mom. Always. Three kids later, I’m currently in the thick of it. My kids are 7, 2, and 8 months. Most days consist of early mornings in a mad rush to get out the door before 6:45 am…hopefully without forgetting anything essential, drop-offs at two different schools, working with 200 middle schoolers all day, pick-ups after school, getting dinner started, homework to finish, eating dinner together as a family, play time, bath time, reading, and bedtime. From the moment my feet hit the ground to the moment I close my eyes at night, I’m on Mom duty. In the midst of all that daily shuffle, I find myself helping solve little people problems, loving and spending one on one time with each of them, and just trying to keep my ish together. There are times where I feel like I’m killing it in the Mom game. Everything just clicks. Things are going smoothly. I pump myself up saying “Yeah, I’ve got this!” and give myself a little pat on the shoulder. But, most of the time I feel like I’m surviving and I just hope and pray that I’m doing an okay job and that my kids will turn out okay. But sometimes I feel like I obsess over it too much. I won’t be perfect, obviously. But I really want the time I have with them to be worth it for all of us.
I spend a lot of time trying to be intentional. Asking myself “When they are adults, what do I want them to remember? What do I want them to cherish from their childhood? How do I want to be seen in their eyes? What values do I hope to instil in them?” And the inner monologue of parenting concerns and fear of being inadequate start to rack up in my mind. I have this underlying fear, or rather truth, that I only have so much time with them. It makes me sick to my stomach and the tears start to well up in my eyes. I can’t redo their childhood. I’ve got this one shot, and I want to do it right. I want to make them proud. I want to make myself proud. Like, even when it was hard and we were in the thick of it…they turned out okay and I played some part in it.
Parenting is hard. I know most parents will tell you that. It’s no piece of cake, and let’s be real…I love me some cake. But this, this is hard. Every single day as a parent is full of choices to be made, words to be spoken that little ears will hear, and memories that will mold them into their future selves. I’ve beat myself up over raising my voice too loud, or thinking back on a situation knowing I could have handled it differently, or sometimes even seeing them act out and thinking, “Oh no! I failed.” I know it’s silly but I can’t be alone in this, right? Overthinking what I do, because I really really want to be a good Mom. I don’t take this job lightly. It’s a gift to be a Mom, and I realize that there are many women out there who want to be a mom but haven’t gotten to yet for various reasons. I was blessed with three babies. All full term and all pretty darn healthy. I’m lucky, this I know. So, I don’t want to screw it up!
I’ve heard many times that our children were given to us by God because we are exactly who they need. They are my children, because I have everything they need. Each child is unique. Each child has different needs. Some children need more one on one time, some need more structure, some need more patience, and some need a gentle push in the right direction. Every child is different, and I can say for the most part all three of my kids are different from each other. So, how can I possibly parent them all the same?
The answer is, I can’t.
And I shouldn’t.
Of course, I’m fair to them all as a whole. But, they each need something different from me, and that even changes day to day and season to season. I need to meet them where they are. When they are acting out, throwing a tantrum, “not listening”, and so on…I ask myself “What do they need right now? How can I help them work through this?” Being a parent is hard, but so is being a kid. I need to remind myself of that more often. I am there to guide them and help them, so they can be confident and able adults when I’m no longer there. I need to celebrate who they are individually, not push who I want them to be. I have to adapt and be by their side, especially when it’s hard and I’m tired. Sure, celebrating them in their accomplishments and successes is a lot easier! Those moments deserve their time from me as well. Praising them for all the good they are doing is just as important. Kids need the positive praise and recognition just as much as they need redirection. It’s a balancing act. There are things as a parent that I have learned the hard way. I have them written on sticky notes along my bathroom mirror to remind myself when I need some encouragement.
- Nothing is permanent.
- Give yourself some grace.
- Accept the help.
- You are their role model.
- Embrace the season your in.
- Find your tribe.
- Take some time to yourself.
- Be present to enjoy the memories.
- You are enough.
- Nothing is permanent.
There have been many times where I felt that I wasn’t going to make it through. Most parents refer to this as the “Terrible Twos” season. Though, I will say this doesn’t always happen with all kids when they turn two. In fact, Logan never had a terrible two phase, she mostly got more moody around six or seven. But, year two for Hunter was our toughest year as parents. He is really strong willed and pushes boundaries. We had to find the right consequence for him, and be strong ourselves. We could not waver or budge with anything. There were three distinct weeks with daily timeouts and screaming fits about every little thing. I remember panicking inside and thinking, “This is who he will be forever. He will always throw a fit. Where did we go wrong?” It was trying. Every night we were exhausted, with both parenting him and having a newborn in the house (and throw in over a dozen double ear infections in a few short months). I was discouraged and felt helpless. I prayed and prayed. We never gave in, even when we wanted to. And I felt that for sure this was the way he was, this was our reality. This was going to be a permanent struggle. But thankfully it wasn’t. Over time and with lots and lots of persistence, the constant tantrums and defiance faded. It was a season in parenting him, not set in stone forever. Of course, he will always be strong willed and stubborn. My hope is to channel those qualities into positive attributes for his adulthood. No matter how frustrating, hopeless, or daunting the situations can be as a parent…they are just seasons. So soak them in. Learn from them. Grow with your kids through them. And you’ll come out the other side thankful, stronger, and closer.
2. Give yourself some grace.
And then give yourself some more…This work is hard. You won’t always get it right. You’ll try and try, but there will be moments and even full days where nothing seems to go right. Thank GOD that we have another day to start over and try again. Kids are so forgiving. Whenever I have a bad moment or just plain having a hard time, I’m honest with them. I say it out loud to them, “Sorry, guys. Mom’s just having a hard day.” Or I’ll admit when I’m wrong and apologize to them when I need to. It helps for them to see that we’re human and flawed. This particular point is hard for me to take myself. Giving myself grace reflects as a flaw in myself. I am a Type 1 personality, getter-done mentality, and when I can’t get it all done or it didn’t go perfectly as planned, then I beat myself up about it. It’s easy to give grace to others, but so hard to give it upon yourself. I read from another Mom that at the end of the day you only need to ask yourself these three questions: Were my kids fed and clothed? Did I take care of myself? Did I love on them today? If you answered yes to those, then everything else on top of that is a bonus. Love on those babies hard. To know that they are loved and valued by you is the most important above all things you could do in their day. Have you told them? Have you showed them? Then give yourself grace for all the things you didn’t get done. Period.
3. Accept the help.
Asking for help sucks. Personally, it means I can’t do it all on my own. I’ve spent years running myself to the ground doing it all. A wise friend told me during a hard season in my life, “Let others help you. When they offer to help you or do anything, just say yes.” I stewed on that for a few days and then tried it out. I promised myself for the whole year, if anyone offered anything that was “helpful” like bringing by a dinner, helping with the kids, doing an errand, picking something up for me, and so on…I had to say yes. It was freaking hard. It was like a punch to the gut. I hated it so bad. But, I learned that for some people helping others fulfills them and brings them joy. So, I let them in. I put my ego aside and accepted the help. It brought us closer and the weight on my shoulders lifted. So, I challenge you that when someone else offers to help you in any way, simply say “Yes, thank you!” and accept it with gratitude. You’ll thank me later!
4. You are their role model.
Everything we say and do our kids see. Their eyes and ears hear and see everything, accept when we actually ask them to do something, am I right?! We can tell them what they should do, remind them of their manners, follow through with consequences when needed, but the best way to teach our children is to lead by example. If we expect our kids to have good manners, we need to show them what that looks like. We need to use good manners ourselves. If we expect them to be respectful and kind to others, they should see us do that ourselves. I have found this to be the best way to “teach” my kids. You don’t have to be their favorite person, but you should set the bar high with certain expectations and hold yourself to that bar as well. With all that our kids see and hear these days, let your own life be an example set out for them to see and follow. Be the role model they need!
5. Embrace the season you’re in.
There have been many times where I find myself asking God, “Why are you putting me through this?” and I learned over time that I should be asking God instead, “What are you wanting me to learn from this?” I truly believe that every moment, challenge, heartbreak, and even joyous situation is meant for us to grow in some way. Sometimes the lessons and growth is hard. It’s messy and you really just want to be done and on the other side already. Or your heartbreak is so heavy, you don’t think you can ever recover. I’ve had times where I felt that motherhood has swallowed me, and I lost my true self. Like I mentioned before, nothing is permanent. Our lives ebb and flow in seasons. Each season has a purpose. I’ve learned to embrace and live in those seasons, no matter how messy or difficult they can be.
6. Find your tribe.
Sometimes the hussle and demands of motherhood can leave you lonely. There were days where I realized I hadn’t had a conversation with anyone the whole day over the age of 10…For me, I need adult interaction. I need a reminder that there are people outside the walls we call home. What’s even better, is finding other people who get what I’m going through. We need people in our lives that we can turn to, we can ask for advice, we can vent, we can lean on, we can celebrate with, who will show up at our door with a pint of ice cream or wine. I’ve found those people, and they fuel my soul. They are essential. People who will lift you up and remind you that you are doing a good job. Find people who inspire you and push you to be honest when you need to be. They are hard to find, but hold on to them tight when you do.
7. Take some to yourself.
Every single day. Do something that is just for you. I find that I am constantly giving myself and energy to others all day, especially to my kids. They need me. But, I need to show up for myself too. I have to think ahead and make the time for myself, or I won’t get it. Sometimes it’s a bath, reading a book, driving and walking through Target or Hobby Lobby for no real reason other than to get out and walk around by myself, sometimes it’s a walk around the neighborhood, sometimes it’s going to the gym, sometimes it’s going down the hill to the coffee shop to grade papers or write, and sometimes it’s calling up my friends or my sister to meet up for a drink and cajun tots. I need this time to unwind and let myself be alone for a bit. I struggled with this for a loooooooong time, and still do. I feel guilty for leaving my husband with all three kids. I feel guilty that I’m not with my kids. But, I need to invest in myself too. I have learned to speak up for myself. I don’t need to ask for permission. I tell Andrew what I need and we find a time that works for both of us. He’s always been supportive. He’s always encouraged me to do what I need. He never makes me feel bad for it. It’s myself that holds me back. Try to find some time to recharge and fill your own cup up. Your family and kids will thank you!
8. Be present and enjoy the memories.
We are in a technology world. Everyone has a phone, social media, or gets sucked into the black hole of binge watching your favorite show. I made a rule for myself that I am not on my phone while my kids are awake unless it’s super important. I don’t want my kids to see me looking at some screen. What message is that sending them? That my phone is more important than them? I want to live the life in front of me, not the one inside my screen. I usually get on social media after the kids are in bed. I value our time together, and want them to remember me actually being involved and present. They deserve my full attention. Plus, I don’t get to relive these memories again so I want to be fully living them. I want them to see that our time together is more valuable than zoning out on my phone or staring at the tv screen. We try and have weekly game nights, read books together, play on the living room floor together, all help in the kitchen during meals, and actually eat dinner around the table with nothing but the company of each other. Sure, there are times we have a family movie night but we make it a big deal. We pop popcorn, get in our jammies, and cuddle up together on the couches or under a big living room fort. Our time is precious. Enjoy every moment together.
9. You are enough.
I need to repeat this to myself over and over and over…every single day. I hold myself to a high standard. I want to be the best at everything I set my mind to: Mom, teacher, wife, and so on. I am a perfectionist. I can always improve. I am always working towards something. But, this comes with a price. There was a moment last year, during the most trying year as a teacher, that I was talking with my supervisor about feeling like a failure as a teacher. It was like poison in my mouth. But that’s how I felt. I was struggling. The kids were testing me, I was pregnant, and it took all my teaching skills and patience to get through each day. As I was confiding in her that I was thinking that maybe I wasn’t cut out for teaching middle school anymore, she told me with tears in her eyes, “You are enough.” Talk about knocking you back in your seat, hitting you in the face kind of honesty. I needed to hear that. I needed to be reminded that my best is okay. That falling short sometimes or not checking off all my boxes is okay. That I was placed as their teacher for a reason. I was enough. God gives you what you need, not always what you want. I grew so much as a teacher that year, and I’m glad I didn’t give up. I’m glad that I’m still there teaching sixth grade and that I didn’t try and teach elementary school just because it was a hard year. I became a stronger teacher. I am enough. I need to believe in my abilities more often, and give myself grace when I “fall short.” The same can be said for parenting. I am enough for my kids. My days may not be perfect, but I try every single day. My kids see me in a way that I should see myself. They don’t care if I don’t wear makeup. They don’t care if I have rolls or extra baby weight. They don’t care if we don’t have the best of the best. They care that I love them. They care that I believe in them. They care that I support them. They care that I cheer them on. They care that I help them. They care that I try and understand. They care that I listen. They care that I am their Mom. They love me, no matter what. I am enough, they are enough, and so are you…
These are the little reminders and pep talks that I need to see. Every day. I could go on and on and more in-depth about each of them and how I came to hold on to the nuggets of truth. Some have been from experiences, some wise words from friends, and some I’ve read. I wanted to share these with you, because we’re in this together. So let’s do our kids a favor and show up. Show up in the good times and the trying times. Show up, because they need us. And even if you don’t have kids, you can show up too. Show up in your niece and nephews lives, show up for your friends’ kids, show up in your community, and so on. I want my kids to know that I was always there for them, no matter what. I always knew I wanted to be a Mom, but never knew how much work it really is. So if you’re a Momma and reading this, tomorrow is a new day and we’ve got this. The work is worth it. They’re worth it.
Love,
Lindsay
The Good Life 